Danger: Withdrawal

I recently asked clients to demonstrate what they do when they fight by having them stand in two separate corners of my office. They had shared with me that typically they don't talk, they simply have a silent stand off. I asked them to each take a corner, and wait a few.

So they stood. And stood, and stood. No peep, no comment, nothing. For 1/3 of the session they stood. Finally after 20 minutes of zero movement and utter silence (I was reading a magazine, btw) she turned around and said "has it been five minutes yet?"

I did a little dance, because in their relationship she is never the one to break silence first, he is. For some reason, today, she felt safe enough to do something differently. I pointed this out, and also reminded them how much money they'd just spent in their silent spaces.

It was a waste of their money, I suggested. For some reason, money talks. The next week, they returned and reported that when they had fought that week, that when she retreated, she remembered the therapy experience and broke the silence much earlier.

I'll talk later about this phenomenon we call "withdrawal." It is, incidentally, the most dangerous seat at the table of marriage.