Time Machine

 I recently delt with a couple who struggle with an old issue - one that remained untouched for years.  20 years, actually - and one partner did not realize the extent to which the other had been struggling all along.  The oblivious partner was the one who had offended, the hurt partner was left to resolve it alone yet never was able to.

Why do people carry burdons for so long?  Is it because they don't have the skills to work it out?Is it because they have no hope for change?   Or do people just get so accustomed to their pain that they don't realize the impact it has on their lives?  

I believe that people get confused about the concept of forgiveness.  They believe they must "move on" - pack their emotional baggage into the uhaul and park it outside the new place, and never unload it.  This way no one has to look at it.  But....it's still there, isn't it? Rusting in the drive.  

Work often imitates life in my line of business.  I have issues from college I never truly addressed - mostly because the hurtful parties disappeared from my life.  Janis Abrahms Spring addresses resolve in this way:  When the hurtful party is not present to aid in healing the pain, true forgiveness is in fact not possible.  The next best thing for mental health is acceptance - she then lists the steps toward that end.  

I have not thought about college for a very long time, and at times when I have it has been fleeting.  This week I "reunited" with my best friend from childhood, via Facebook of course (everyone else is doing it), and she brought up all sorts of questions that stirred up my uhaul.  In fact, the door busted wide open and now all the ugly monsters are banging on my door.  The "offenders" are no where to be found (not even on Facebook, I tried that).  So as a faithful follower of Spring I turn to" Acceptance" as opposed to "Forgiveness", which if I were to try could only result in the less appealing and problem loaded "Cheap Forgiveness."  

Problem is, I don't wanna.  Not right now, anyway.  I don't want to accept, because my anger feels too good.  It is soothing, and protecting me.  I feel justified in my anger.  Maybe later.  Maybe later I'll consider "Acceptance".  For now, I embrace "No Forgiveness" - even though I teach my clients on a daily basis that "No Forgiveness" bleeds into other areas of life, and causes havoc - 

But I bet even dentists get cavities sometimes.